


at the end of loneliness

by fish_wifey



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: 25 lives-ish, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Memory Loss, Pining, True Love, one person remembers; the other does not, tanakiyoweek2020
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:46:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25224109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fish_wifey/pseuds/fish_wifey
Summary: Tanaka Ryuunosuke lives over a hundred lives.Shimizu Kiyoko only lives the one. And she watches Ryuunosuke come into her life, and leave again. Over, and over, and over. For nearly 2000 years.So naturally, when they meet again in a volleyball club, she’s smart about. She will not get too close to him, will not fall in love again. Ryuunosuke is reborn every time, but she’s tired of him not remembering her, his past lives, their past love. She’s in pain, and will not allow her heart to fall and break again.But Ryuunosuke is adamant. And so is her heart.
Relationships: Shimizu Kiyoko/Tanaka Ryuunosuke
Comments: 15
Kudos: 68





	at the end of loneliness

**Author's Note:**

> do people generally tag MCD in reincarnation aus? the deaths are mentioned after all...........  
>  ~~i cant check twitter rn as im uploading right when the new chapter goes online www so i cant ask my friends.~~
> 
> I'm notorously bad at fanweeks. but for tanakiyo, a ship that i've been shipping since i started hq!!, which got so much shit, and for tanaka to be so unloved for so long................we had to pull out all the stops
> 
> I will write 5/7 of the fics, of which i have 3/7 finished. I'll use the tanakiyoweek2020 .v.b
> 
> ANYWAY!!! I dont usually write this type of thing, but I had the perfect idea for this prompt (and the two others already).  
> Also~ I tend to switch povs and show both sides in fics. Given what happens, it just felt natural to only have Shimizu's pov??? I guess I could have done something grand in the end with Ryuu's pov but msdbkasdbaj maybe another time~
> 
> Enjoy uvu

Kiyoko’s earliest memory of Ryuunosuke was her lover lying in dry grass. His mouth slightly ajar, a trickle of blood running over one corner of his mouth. His eyes looking up to the sky. Kiyoko’s eyes follow, as the white clouds gather above them, darkening with her grief. She closes his eyes, tips his chin up. Kissing away the blood, as tears cannot stop to leave twin marks on her ashen-loaded face. There were no words for the pain she feels in her heart.

Not back then, when the language wasn’t as developed. But she knew the burial rites of Ryuunosuke’s tribe in the north, and would honour his life. It was just a short amount that they’d known one another. Somewhere in the woods, she saw a sharp light, a gaseous form. But through her tears and grief, it made no sense. Nothing made sense, with Ryuunosuke dead at her side. She would give anything to see him again, to be with him again.

_again, again, and again_

From that day on, Kiyoko wouldn’t age. Her heart knew of the pain of losing, and so life was giving her an eternity. When she burned Ryuunosuke, watching the smoke rise to mingle with the thunder clouds above, she believed fiercely that she’s meet him again in the afterlife. 

Instead, she meets him 116 years later. 116 years in which her parents have aged, died—and Kiyoko watched the world change. 116 years, when she sees Ryuunosuke’s big smile, like that first time in the field.

He comes off a fisher’s boat, looking for work. His eyes sparkle. But his heart doesn’t know her.

Not yet.

Not yet again.

*

*

*

1900 years later, and Kiyoko’s heart wasn’t the same anymore. Perhaps if Ryuunosuke managed again to return to her, she might just not give into his charm.

The world changed, a hundred times over. She adjusts—to the new traditions, the changes. Wars ravaged the grounds, the seas around her. Nothing could destroy her, as if the permission to leave this world has been taken from Kiyoko. Her hair has gone through various lengths, from very long, to a pixie cut. She now wears it at shoulder length.

Eyes looking up to Karasuno high school’s plaque, she sighs. Another year. Another year she’d watch her birthday go by. 18 again. 18 forever. If only the years would show. She laughs, guessing that she’d be a rotting skeleton if time was true to her features.

Walking up to the volleyball gym, Kiyoko glances around. There’s no one here… She takes a run, a leap through the air. She holds her outdoor shoes in her hand, sticking the landing inside the gym. Perhaps this cycle she’d be lucky, and not meet Ryuunosuke’s at all.

“W-woah!” Comes the familiar gawk from the right. Kiyoko glances over slowly. Not alone, after all. And naturally, fate couldn’t stop mocking her.

But this time would be different. Kiyoko averts her eyes, hardens her spine. She locks up her heart.

Why should she invest one year of love, for it to end in pain? Why would she have to stay, and watch Ryuunosuke die another horrible death..? She was done with losing him. Not knowing yet another version of him, a side to the never-ending, tumbling coin…She would be so much happier. Even as her heart yearns for that familiar touch, that reassuring warmth. 

“Marry me, please!” Ryuunosuke says, his blush as adoring as the ones he’s had 100 times already when first seeing her. Kiyoko glances once, then looks away. She wouldn’t give in, not this time.

*

*

*

Kiyoko brings the brush down in brutal strokes. Today’s poem was one about love. She hated it. The last 40 years had been cruel. She’s been in the slums, at court in one palace, on the streets in the next city. She follows the capital whenever it changes, only to reintegrate in court. Staying out of sight was easier as a lady here. If only today’s calligraphy hour would be more enjoyable.

Sighing, Kiyoko turns the paper around. Smaller brushes produce animals, leaving out more white than what she adds with the ink. She draws a half moon on the top right, a sun in the lower left. Animals of all sorts fill the page slowly. Lastly, she draws a crow, then another, and another. She likes drawing them, the feathers a thing to be jealous of. Every bird has feathers, yes. But only the crows were so deep inky black that Kiyoko couldn’t take her eyes off them.

Done, she looks over her random strokes of animals. Then a jolt goes through her, as a crash from aside has her head twirl to the window. She watches as a branch bops up and down. Leaves flurry up and around it, then to the ground. Putting her brush down, Kiyoko stands up from her crouched sitting position. She removes a dagger from her garments, brandishing the knife forward. 500 years on this land had taught her caution and strength. 

Fingers curl over the window’s ledge. A sure invitation to get cut off by her sharp blade. Socked feet smooth over the tatami mat, as Kiyoko inches forward not making a sound. The fingers curl around tighter, and the figure appears up and over the ledge. He lands in a crouch. Kiyoko cannot help but think—the dagger in his heart. End it quickly. Don’t fall in love.

_He will just leave me again._

Ryuunosuke looks up to her, his eyes wide. Seeing her for the first time in this life he has, when he’s seen her 20 times before already. Sometimes his soul takes a long time to return to this world, like that very first time after he died. Sometimes…he comes quickly for her. The familiar blush spreads over his cheeks, a thing that Kiyoko knows is the first step of many down the doomed spiral or love and losing. Ryuunosuke stands, all tight muscle visible under the skin-tight garments he wears. A ninja this time, he’s come as an older version than the one’s before. He wouldn’t make it to his 20th birthday. Never has.

Never will.

A ninja…but not the best one, as the branch behind him just comes to a still.

“By the gods…what a beauty… Would you marry me, lady?”

Kiyoko’s hand tightens around the dagger, even as she lowers her hand. She’s charmed right away, unable to resist. Because each time he dies, the pain might become easier to bear. And yet her heart longs for him, to feel his arms around her, his mouth—

Kiyoko rolls back her shoulders, relaxes. She’s a lady at court. This wouldn’t last. They were doomed from the start. But Kiyoko is just a woman with needs, and she knows that Ryuunosuke, no matter which life he leads, would always learn fast how to fulfil her wishes.

They have a year. Every time. Kiyoko sighs.

“I am not one for marriage. The law forbids us to interact, no?” She smiles, watching Ryuunosuke’s shyness turn his face red. His eyes burn hotter. That fire that Kiyoko hurts herself with, each time. 

*

*

*

It’s almost disbelief that enters her head. Was it really this easy? Ryuunosuke’s chase wasn’t as adamant as usual. He was one year younger than her, on paper. His soul burns bright for volleyball in this life. He’s kind, brash, loud—cute whenever he tells her how beautiful he looks. He’s not one to flirt this time, and it took him so long after that first outburst, his proposal, to talk to her at all.

One year of perhaps 3 that he may stay in her life is over soon. Kiyoko watches new blood fly into the nest of Karasuno’s volleyball club. She watches, when no-one’s looking, how Ryuunosuke first dislikes all the first years, then loves them fiercely and protectively. He has a sister in this life, and Kiyoko wonders how hard it will be for Saeko to grieve her younger brother’s passing.

Kiyoko’s heart is used to it. Hence the tight lock around it. Crafted my the world’s sea amount of tears, a universe of pain. 

Ryuunosuke remains the brightest star, even if she shields her eyes from his light.

*

*

*

The rain thunders down. The streets become wet with it, almost rivers themselves. Black is her hair, her clothes, her heart. The nails, as they sharp claws close around the gun. Kiyoko watches blood seep the stones, washing away. At least this time, she could get revenge. So often Ryuunosuke died by the cause of murder. That very first time, it’d been an arrow. Today it was a bullet.

She’d pull his body off the streets, into her car. She’d bury him again, after burning his body to nothing but ashes. Tears become one with the rain as it falls below her black hat. Her gun is cold, just like her heart. Kiyoko knew it was unstoppable, this force that took her Ryuunosuke each time. Tomorrow he’d turn 20.

As if he’d ever turn 20. Like her, it would never happen. She would never age, and he would always die.

Kiyoko pockets her gun into a small bag. She turns on her heels. Her henchmen will have to take care of the bodies she’s leaving behind. Today, mafia daughter Kiyoko cannot take of so many dead. She sighs as she gets the car close to where Ryuunosuke dies.

This life ended too, all too black and bleak. She looks over his tattoos as they’re visible; he only wore a jacket suit over his bare torso today, showing off her name, his love confession to her, and how she owned him, his heart. Never his soul. Kiyoko cries, something she hadn’t done the past few times. Did she think it would be different, ever? She knew she couldn’t keep him.

The beginning of the 1900s were no different. Soon, the millennia would change numbers. So soon. Perhaps, if 1999 ends, she could find relief in death. Seers think the world will end, that the year 2000 will never happen.

If only.

*

*

*

On Kiyoko’s 18th birthday, she wakes up groaning. The light is bright outside, not having any reason to be so annoying. She gets up, goes to the bathroom.

She notices the smallest crease in her left eye. Stopping short, she inspects it. There it is; a single crease. She’s been smiling a lot more with Hitoka around, that was true. But Kiyoko never ages. Her skin would always be perfect—well, should have been. She blinks, touches the crease, unable to let it go.

Was it ending?

Would she be free?

*

*

*

Kiyoko watches the play. The theatre spectacle might be a productions of disreputable woman, but their technique, joy, and entertaining factors are second to none. She watches one barely dressed lady swing a borrowed sword across the stage, swiping way ahead to slay puppet-enemies. It might be the last Kabuki show by women, as the government wanted to crack down. Kiyoko didn’t understand why the same officials who would secretly sleep with these woman, would ruin the fun…

Once the play is over, Kiyoko claps. She leaves money to a younger girl doing the rounds. When she turns, she comes face to face with her dream. Her nightmare. Her never-ending, always returning love.

Ryuunosuke blushes fiercely. Glancing down, Kiyoko notices the two swords at his hip. He’s a samurai then. That narrows down how his life will end this time. High from the play, Kiyoko won’t let him speak. Before he bursts out his marriage proposal, she presses her finger to his lips, silencing him. She stands closer, as the world around them turns, uncaring. The people don’t notice, most men trying to speak with the troupe. Kiyoko’s eyes burn with fire, because she knows it will never end well for them. 

“Follow me,” she says. The short time they have…she might as well enjoy it.

*

*

*

She declines him a hundred times before she hands him the bag. Might as well. It was the last match for them today, and her last match with the club in general. 

“Oh, it’s light,” Ryuunosuke says, and Kiyoko has to laugh. They walk down the stairs, and Kiyoko cannot withstand the pull. It was tragic, that no matter how many lifetimes have passed for Ryuunosuke, he never remembered one. Kiyoko remembers them all. Worse, she remembers each end of it. A stab to her heart, every time. And yet she never managed to truly stay away from him. Not even this time, when she vowed she would. When she’s been so strong all this time.

"That's what I always said."

When they return to Miyagi, Kiyoko makes a bold move. Ignoring Sugawara beckoning her over, and as Nishinoya’s loud self enters the bus, Kiyoko makes a beeline for where Ryuunosuke is sitting. The seat next to him, usually reserved for his best friend, is empty. Until Kiyoko promptly sits down. She watches Ryuunosuke stutter, blush, then relax a little. Although he never truly relaxes until he falls asleep. He’s tired of nationals, and yet tense all over when Kiyoko’s leg touches his. He doesn’t sit wide, having put his knees closer together as soon as Kiyoko sat down.

Perhaps this time…it would be different.

*

*

*

His kiss is fire and water. Kiyoko didn’t understand it for centuries. Then she learned about lava. And that, she figures, was Ryuunosuke’s personality and life style. He was a volcano, ready to erupt. To destroy. Then, to lay dormant for years. Kiyoko gave in as the war started. She gave in because she knew Ryuunosuke would fight it. He’d fly one of those hellish machines, and never return to her. 

He’s sweet and gentle with his hands, never pushing or pulling her. Accepting of what Kiyoko deigns to give, understanding if she doesn’t want to do something. But that kiss…nearly 2 millennia have passed, and Kiyoko would always fall for that kiss; melt away into the languid touch of Ryuunosuke’s tongue. He knows how to please her, each life time. Even if he’d forget her, he learns anew. Somehow knows exactly what she likes without Kiyoko having to explicitly tell him. Maybe she should get married, just this once…

“Ryuu,” she whispers, as their clothes disappear one by one. Their last night, perhaps. Kiyoko knew them a hundred times. Maybe if she would just hug him and make him stay in her arms forever, he would survive.

“Kiyoko-san,” he whispers down her throat, further and lower. Until the levee breaks. Until Kiyoko cannot withstand his charms and pleasures. Until she breaks apart, with a decades in front of her to recover from the pain. It burns her skin, alights her veins and senses. Ryuunosuke is a fire that shouldn’t be able to douse…but he isn’t fire, nor water. He’s just a catastrophe, biding its time.

*

*

*

They stay in contact throughout the worst of years. Each day and night, Kiyoko fears she will lose him. They go on dates, and she shies away from his heat when he wants to bring it to her lips. Perhaps…loving him and accepting his heart is the catalyser for his death? A cruel way to take someone from her…

But the kiss happens after the 5th date.

She relearns his body after the 7th one.

And they continue. Weeks become months. Kiyoko watches her own face change a little. Does her body feel older? 

She buys him a birthday cake for his 19th birthday. He goes to the ceremony for the all the young people who will turn 20 that next year.

Ryuunosuke is 22 when he goes down on his knee. Kiyoko’s world freezes over, her eyes focusing on those hopefully mustard yellow ones looking up to her. Between them, Ryuunosuke’s hand holds a plush-box. A band is inside, mixing gold and silver in two unending rings. There’s no diamond or stone shining away. Just two lives, meant to stay together. Kiyoko lets her tears flow. They never made it this far. Ryuunosuke…he never lived this long.

She nods, stammers yes, then lets him catch her. He’s crying too, never one to hide his emotions. He hugs her intently, his strong arms keeping her on her feet. Then the ring runs over her knuckles, settling down on the ring finger. He kisses her hands, her face. Ryuunosuke looks beyond happy, his joy a river overflowing. His smile so bright that Kiyoko could not believe anything could ever dim it.

Laughter brings lines to her eyes. They move in together. Build a life together.

On New year’s morning, she prays to the gods. Wondering if this is the lifetime they will spent together at last. When they turn to leave, to their warm home, Ryuunosuke’s hand takes hers. Behind him, Kiyoko can see a silver aura, twirling in the woods. She’s never seen it before…No, she had. So, so many centuries ago. It was after Ryuunosuke’s very first death, their very first love.

“Kiyoko-san?” he asks her now. The language has changed. He hasn’t. He was still sweet and caring, his thumb now running over the back her hand. “Put your hand in my jacket pocket, it’s warmer there.”

She nods, walking close to him. Her heart knows a calm unlike anything she’s ever felt before. And for once, Kiyoko is sure of it. Unafraid of the future, she is sure that this time, she and Ryuunosuke will grow old, together. She leans her head to his, and kisses his cheek.

“First sex of the new year, under the kotatsu. What do you think?”

She could watch him blush a million times. And yes this time, she would.


End file.
